Star Trek : Filk And Kooky
by Gojirob
Summary: Some song filks set to Voyager and three other ST series; You'd think the world had had enough of Star Trek song filks.


Filk and Kooky

By Rob Morris

Academy Drop-Out 

(To The Tune Of 'Beauty School Drop-Out' From 'Grease)

(Be'lanna is talking to Janeway; The Captain nods her head)

Janeway: It's not just the Maquis, Lieutenant. Many Starfleet officers are questioning my choice. Some think we'll never get back. I'm considering allowing colonization of a suitable world by those who feel as you do. No hard feelings. But I need everyone heading in one direction.

Torres: But I don't know that I feel that way, Captain. The Array, yes, that bugs me. But then there's Seska, and the thought of never even knowing how the Cardassian situation turns out.

Janeway: Sounds like you need to make a choice.

Torres: You know, Admiral Kor was heard to say that the day he met Captain Kirk, he knew then and there the path his life would take.

Janeway: He had that catalytic nature.

(Captain walks off)

Torres: I need a Kirk of my own.

(Goes onto holodeck)

Torres: Random program...just pick anything

(50-ish music starts; Be'lanna stares up in wonder as Kirk descends in movie uniform; surrounding him are two TOS Yeomans)

Kirk: Your heritage made you sad;  
A Klingon not so bad;  
Most messed up hybrid character since Spock;  
your rebellion is all back home  
You may as well be in Nome;  
You can't even play tag with Feddy ships

Academy Drop-Out  
No Kobayashi Sim for you  
Academy Drop-Out  
Blew the warp core and wormholes too  
Well at least you have a character that's different from Keh'lyr; But  
you better clean your act up before Janeway is your jailer!

Better start home now  
The Maquis were just a subplot you see  
What were you hoping?  
Its slingshots vs. UFP;  
If you take the Chief Engineer's post; You can play the Delta Beat;  
Can the militia stuff and go back to Starfleet

(Kirk and the Yeomans float around; Be'lanna watches in wonder)

Kirk: Academy Drop-out  
Wondering why Seska pulled her crap  
Academy Drop-out  
Fighting against her other half  
Well you thought you had it figured out  
You couldn't be embarrassed; But only dead folks haven't seen you making  
eyes at Paris  
Warrior let it go  
You aren't meant for hit and run  
Call off the blood-feud  
You're stuck here; So have some fun  
Now your ex-CO's bland; Your ship's been canned;  
Your best friend lived on Cardie Street;  
So calm that divided soul and go back to Starfleet;

(Now stands up as he sings; Arms wide)

Be'lanna don't ignore me;  
Much as do the Powers That Be  
Be'lanna his hormones; Explain your lame cousin's bigotry

Now I've told you well;  
Get through this no-win Hell;  
Go now and spar with Tommmmm;

(Floats away)

I gotta make promos for Priceline-dot-com!

Academy Drop-Out--Go-Back-To-Starfleet

(She leaves; Feeling giddy; Runs up to the Bridge)

(Doors open)

Torres: Guess what, everybody? Captain Kirk just sang to me and told me that I should choose Starfleet! And then I checked and found his program wasn't even in the holodeck, so it must have really been him after all!

(3 days later; Sickbay)

EMH: Now, Repeat After Me....

(A disgusted Be'lanna is in a straightjacket)

Torres: Captain James T. Kirk died in 2294 aboard The Enterprise-B. Captain Kirk died in 2294 aboard The Enterprise-B. Kirk died in 2294  
aboard The Enterprise-B....

(In Janeway's quarters)

Janeway: That's good, Doctor. I hope she feels better soon. (Signs off) What in blazes made her see Kirk? I'd just as soon see home....

(Kirk appears before her; He wears vaguely Irish clothes and a green  
hat)

Kirk: How are things in Indiana.....this fine day?  
How are things in Indianaaaaaa..........

(Janeway screams)

Janeway: Chakotay! Help me!

Chakotay: (Audio) I can't, Kathryn. He's got me pinned down with  
'Indian Reservation' by Paul Revere And The Raiders!

THE END???

* * *

**Help Me, Annika**

(To The Tune Of 'Help Me Rhonda' By The Beach Boys)

Seven: Commander, do you require my assistance?

Chakotay: Well, since Kathryn put me in, I've been losing both lines  
and spine; I appear for a minute, then my objections she overrides;  
Seven, you caught my eye; So late I couldn't tell you why; But you gotta  
help me, Annika; Help me get her out of my fics;

Help Me, Annika--Help Help Me Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me  
Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika  
Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;  
Help Me Annika; Yeah--Get her out of my hair

That we should get together was the desire of our countless fans; But  
she let the Captain's Chair come between us and ignored all my plans;  
The background became my home; Into danger we would always roam; So you  
gotta, help me Annika; Help me to move on with my life;

Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;  
Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me  
Annika; Help Me Annika; Help Help Me Annika;  
Help Me To See Kate -- Out Of My Visions

Seven: I see. One moment, Commander.

(She leaves; Finds Harry Kim)

Harry: But I thought you and I were done with.

Seven: We were. But Chakotay---Harry, he frightens me.

(In another part of the ship, the madness continues)

Tom: Be'lanna---I don't want to fight.

Be'lanna: Tom--I'm a little bit wrong; You're a little bit right.

Tom: I say---Honey, ya know that its true-

(Be'lanna holds up a cooing Miral)

Be'lanna: It's A Little Bit Me; It's A Little Bit You---Too.

* * *

**Big Kai **

(To The Tune Of 'Big Shot' by Billy Joel)

(Guitar intro)

Well, you ascended to the office of the late Opaka  
On the back and the corpse of Bareil

You had a way of drawing support  
You used cunning and guile

But you decided to oppose the Emissary  
and drive Sisko out with Cardies in the know

Tell me, is there any level at all you considered too low?;

You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami  
Bring your enemies to rout

You meant to be a Big Kai, Winn-All  
Put democracy in doubt

You meant to move unopposed, feckless  
While still gathering your clout

You meant to have the Prophets' favor  
But they never liked your flavor;

Well, we were not surprised when you politicized  
And tried to spin on agricultural gains

The petty way you stopped the Prophets final fight  
Surely helped to spread the Pagh stain

And I remember well how all you did was pout  
After you acknowledged Captain Sisko

I'll give you one thing, Eminence  
You surely livened our little show!

You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami  
Bring your enemies to rout

You meant to be a Big Kai, Winn-All  
Put democracy in doubt

You meant to move unopposed, feckless  
While still gathering your clout

You meant to have the Prophets' favor  
But they never liked your flavor;

Well, it's no sign that you're weak  
When of doubts you speak

If you know not to wallow in despair  
But you bedded Dukat, Killed Sobor  
And took the down set of stairs;

You meant to be a Big Kai, Adami  
Thought that you were hearing raves

You meant to be a Big Kai, No-Winn  
Now walk in the Fire Caves

You meant to move feckless, reckless  
But now your soul's in doubt

You meant to have the Prophets' blessing  
Now it's our faith's wounds need dressing...

Big Kai.....Big Kai...(Guitar finish)

* * *

**Android B-4**

(To The Tune Of 'The Night Before' by The Beatles)

Nemesis was our good-bye  
Proto-Android B-4

I activated your mind  
Proto-Android B-4

I feel I have been robbed  
I am out of a job

But you I do not blame Android B-4

I thought Soong made Lore first  
Proto-Android B-4

Or were you somehow worse?  
Proto-Android B-4

Came the great big light  
I am out of the fight

Yet somehow live on in Android B-4

This film is the film they will remember us by  
When I think of how we slid  
I am pleased I cannot cry

A generation ends  
Proto-Android B-4

Take care of my friends  
Proto-Android B-4

Unless next film out they find  
Only I inhabit your mind  
See you in the fics Android B-4

Farewell for now B-4

* * *

**The Night of 359**

(To the tune of 'The Night Chicago Died' by Paper Lace)

The Enterprise Was A Starship; Searching Out The Frontier; Back In The UFP; Back When We Didn't Flee.

In The Tense Of A Summer Shift, In The Hour Of The Wolf; When The Federation Died; And They Talk About It Still; When A Man They Call Picard; Took A Hostile Incursion Hard; And He Brought His Ship To War; Against The Forces Of The Borg.

I Heard The Static Fly; I Heard The Fray The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Night It Truly Was; Kahless What A Fight It Truly Was; Qapla Ke!

And the long hard battle raged; Throughout Sector Oh-Oh-One; Till That Invincible Borg Cube; Had Been Ordered Off To Sleep.

There Was Shouting On The Earth; And A Feeling Of Rebirth; Wearily I Heard It Said; Nearly 50 Crews Are Dead.

I Heard The Static Fly; I Heard The Fray The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Night The Starfleet Saw; Kahless What A Fight The Starfleet Saw; Qapla Ke!

Then There Was No Sound At All; But The Opening Bridge Doors.

Our Captain Stepped To The Fore; And Locutus Was No More; The Borg Cube's Final Fate Was Just; As It Burst To Cosmic Dust!

The Night Of 359...Nananaananaaana... The Night Of 359; Kahless What A Fight The Starships Fought; Kahless What A Great Victory We Bought; Qapla Ke!

**The Enterprise B**

(To The Tune Of 'Sloop John B' by The Beach Boys)

(Kirk sings)

We left on The Enterprise B; Pavel, Scotty and Me; Around Orion's Belt  
we did roam; But things went astray; It wasn't Tuesday; Now the ship's  
so broke up; I wanna go home

There were things wrong that I couldn't dream; We had no tractor beam;  
Then I heard that we were the only ship close; The trip was no fun; The  
ship wasn't done; But I swear one last time; We'll see the ship home

So fire up the B's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The  
Captain; We've gotta bring this ship home; Bring us back home; Oh, Bring  
Us Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; The Ship might break up--so bring us back  
home.

The red alert started to blare; Harriman gave up his chair; Then a ship  
of El-Aurians up and went boom; The media drones; why won't they leave  
me alone; I'm going down below deck; So we can go home

But the nexus started to flare; It wiped away all my cares; Somehow I  
always knew I would die alone; But I look around me; and see I'm back  
home

So fire up the B's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The  
Captain; We've gotta bring this ship home; Bring us back home; Oh, Bring  
Us Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; The Ship might break up--so bring us back  
home.

I rode around hills and snow; Saw Antonia who none of you know; I went  
back and I saved everybody from Dad to David; But the touch I can't  
feel; This place isn't real; But whenever I face this; I end up back  
home

My journey is done; My destiny's gone

(Fire Up The B Now; Fire Up The B Now)

This Is The Worst Trip I've Ever Been On

So Let's Make A Difference; Let's Make A Difference; Go After Soran; Go  
After Soran; Somehow I know Jean-Luc will take me back home; Take my  
place on the Bridge; But that Bridge is not his; One more world saved,  
though they won't know me...

So fire up the E's warp core; And see how the Impulse sets; Call on The  
Captain; We've gotta bring this man home; Bring him back home; Oh, Bring  
Him Back Home; Yeah, Yeah; Oh The Ship's First Mission--is to bring him  
back home.

**TOS Fanfic**

(To the tune of 'Rock And Roll Music' as covered by various artists, including Chuck Berry)

Just let me read some of that TOS fanfic  
Movie, Cartoon or Classic  
Though the TV FX are Jurassic  
The stories are fantastic  
Its gotta be TOS fanfic  
If you wanna pull me in  
If you wanna pull me in ;

I have nothing against old K/S-fics  
Unless they ignore the base friendships  
I don't steer away from Mary Sues

With the proper spin they too can rule  
And we can read some of that TOS fanfic  
Screen-canon, AU or Cross-Mix  
The actors don't get on, it's true  
But on paper or screen, they're one crew  
Its gotta be TOS fanfic  
If you want FB from me  
If you want FB from me!

Jimmy's Girl

( Sung To The Tune Of 'Bobby's Girl' by Marcie Blane )

( Uhura comes out to sing )

Chorus : You're Not A Cadet Anymore; You're Not A Cadet Anymore

Uhura ( Spoken ) : When People Ask Of Me; Nyta, What Would You Like To

Be?; Now That You're Not A Cadet- Anymore

( Chorus )

U : ( Sings ) I Go And Take My Stand; I Say Besides Command; There's

Just One Thing I've Been Wishing For;

U : I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be Jimmy's Girl; That Captain

Seems Most Ideal To Me; And If I Was: Jimmy's Girl; If I Was; Jimmy's

Girl; Unlike A Certain Blonde; I'd Never Flee

U : I Sit In My Swivel Chair; Struggling To Break Dead Air; And I Know

Jimmy's Had Quite A Few

( Chorus )

U : But In My Heart I Know; That When We Boldly Go; Soon I Will Have Him

All To Myself

U : I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be Jimmy's Girl; In Slash, AU's,

Profic, On TV; And If I Was Jimmy's Girl; If I Was; Jimmy's Girl; I

Would Not Die At The End You See; I Wanna Be; Jimmy's Girl; I Wanna Be

Jimmy's Girl...........

* * *

**Go, Delta Flyer!**

(To the tune of 'Greased Lightning' from Grease) 

Janeway : So our standard shuttlecrafts stand no chance of retrieving that probe. People, I'm open to suggestions.

Tuvok : I could alter the shuttles' shield configuration. This would enable it to stand at least some of the currents in the upper atmosphere.

Janeway : Some doesn't cut it. Tom, any notions?

Paris : Captain--what we need is a completely new shuttle type.

Janeway : Explain.

Paris : Everything we've seen in this quadrant has shown us a wilder ride than back home.

(He points to a holo-schematic)

Paris : We need a vehicle that can withstand gravimetrics----atmospherics-- and temporal anomaly dynamics! We need The Delta Flyeeeerrrrrr!!!!

(Shift scene to shuttlebay; Music starts)

Paris : Go, Delta Flyer--you're burnin' up the Warp 10 mark!

Kim : Delta Flyer--Go, Delta Flyer!

Paris : Go, Delta Flyer---this series needs its own Shuttle!

Kim : I'll get the parts now--I'll replicate the parts now!

Tuvok : With shields alert---

Seven : The Maelon will hurt--

(Tom slides across floor)

Paris : It's Delta Flyer!

(We see the hull and its exposed systems)

Janeway : Go, Delta Flyer--we have much less time than we thought!

DF Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!

Chakotay : Go, Delta Flyer--I really don't do much in this ep!

DF Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!

Seven : We forsook rest---

Torres : I'm quite depressed---

(Tom stands on the DF's roof

Paris : It's Delta Flyer!

(The launch comes; Janeway and Chakotay are on the Bridge)

Chakotay : Go, Delta Flyer--the Maelons they just launched their ship!

Bridge Crew : Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!

EMH : Go, Delta Flyer, but be careful cause Be'lanna is sick!

Neelix (In galley) Delta Flyer, Go Delta Flyer!

Kim : The Maelons are bent!

Tuvok : They've begun ascent---

Paris : Not Delta Flyer!

(They regain the probe)

Paris : Go, Delta Flyer, we've just achieved complete success!

Torres : I'll fix the breach now--I'll fix that hull breach now!

Tuvok : Go, Delta Flyer--though these controls are quite untoward!

Seven : Dump on the Maelons--we have dumped on the Maelons.

Kim : Their trash we ripped---

Janeway : That's quite a trip--

Paris : For Delta Flyer!

-------------------------------------------  
(All celebrate except Neelix, alone in his quarters)

Neelix : Stranded on Voyager--branded a clown---but only one thought--really gets me down.

(Music from 'Sandy' begins to play

Neelix : Kessie--baaaby--whiieeey did you go?; Your contract up--The Borg brought in—left you feeling rather low--Like Henry Blake--you walked away--and blew up after Season 3; But why did you leave me, my Kessie? Ohhhhhh Kesssie--bbaaaabby sooooomedayy when Voyager is done.....


End file.
